


Masks Not Optional

by MsCaptainWinchester (rons_pigwidgeon)



Series: AU-gust 2020 [2]
Category: Deadpool - All Media Types, Spider-Man - All Media Types
Genre: Accidental Identity Reveal, Alternate Universe - Coffee Shops & Cafés, COVID-19, M/M, No Masks Makes Deadpool an Angry Merc
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-05
Updated: 2020-08-05
Packaged: 2021-03-05 19:07:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,586
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25720315
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rons_pigwidgeon/pseuds/MsCaptainWinchester
Summary: Peter just wanted to get his coffee and grade papers—outside, and properly distanced from others. He definitely didn't expect to find Deadpool in his favorite cafe, holding a guy at katana-point for not wearing a mask. And yet, here they were.God damnit.
Relationships: Peter Parker/Wade Wilson
Series: AU-gust 2020 [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1856401
Comments: 18
Kudos: 519
Collections: AUgust 2020





	Masks Not Optional

**Author's Note:**

> This was written for the AU-gust 2020 event. Today was supposed to be Angels & Demons, but I chose to use a Joker option instead: Coffee Shop AU
> 
> Wear a mask, y'all.

Peter was texting his professor when he walked into the coffee shop and didn’t register at first why the entire place was silent. When he looked up from his phone, it took his brain a minute to catch up with what he was looking at. Deadpool was standing at the register in full suit and mask, a katana out and at a man’s throat. Peter’s instincts took over before his brain caught up, and he bypassed the half-dozen people standing around watching with horror in their eyes to stand next to Deadpool and place a hand on his wrist. 

“Hey Deadpool, I don’t know what your deal with this dude is, but could you not turn my favorite coffee shop into a crime scene? I’ve got papers to grade or my professor might cut me from the TA program, and I really need the tuition comp,” he said, making sure to keep focused on the tiny eye holes of the Bea Arthur Halloween mask over Deadpool’s mask and not on the terrified-looking man, who—Peter spotted out of the corner of his eye—was _not_ wearing a mask. By Peter's count, Wade was wearing _three_.

Wade turned his attention to Peter slowly, the muscles in his arm tensing under Peter’s touch. “I don’t know who the fuck you are, pretty boy, but this dude thinks he’s above following health code, and I’m not having it.” 

Peter eyed the guy, narrowing his eyes at his uncovered mouth, before looking directly into Wade’s mask eyes. “I’m not arguing that this jerk shouldn’t wear a mask. It’s selfish not to. But do you think wielding a katana might be a health code violation, too?” 

“It’s been sanitized.” 

“And when you use it to cut his head off like you seem to want to do?” 

Deadpool frowned, though how Peter could tell under his regular mask, a Halloween mask, _and_ the Golden Girls fabric mask he had on over it was a mystery for Robert Stack (RIP). He brandished the katana closer to the guy’s throat with a menacing step into the guy’s face. “I’m only letting you go because this cute guy wants me to, but if I catch you wandering inside without a mask before there’s a vaccine again, I’m gonna turn you into Korean barbeque, got it?” 

The smell of urine hit Peter’s nose in the next instant, and he looked down to see a rivulet of moisture traveling down the guy’s pant legs. He nodded, tears stinging the corners of his eyes. 

Deadpool huffed. “Get out of here before you get your piss on the floor and really cause a health code violation, asshole.” 

The guy didn’t need to be told twice. The crowd parted to let him pass, so silent Peter could hear the dialogue of the video someone in the corner had been watching through earbuds. The SHINK of the katana being re-sheathed was accompanied by a visceral sigh of relief by the entire café. Peter took a calming breath himself and stepped back from Deadpool to a more appropriate distance even though he knew Deadpool was immune to the virus. 

“Thank you,” he said softly. Deadpool stared at him, unmoving even as people cautiously stepped around them to begin ordering again. 

“Who are you, an angel?” Deadpool asked. 

Peter rolled his eyes and turned his back to go find a place in line. “No falling from heaven jokes. You’ve already used them all.” 

Deadpool was right behind him, closer than Peter was used to people being when he was in civilian clothes, though Wade frequently got very up close and personal in his space in spandex. And that thought hit him like a ton of bricks. He’d approached Wade the way he would in his suit, but he wasn’t in his suit. Wade had no idea who he was. _Shit_. 

Wade made a loud semi-pained noise and Peter turned just in time to witness a dramatic swoon. “Smart mouth and a butt you could bounce a quarter off, are you a mind-reading shapeshifter?” 

“I’m a grad student.” 

“Oh no, don’t let me think about you in those tight jeans and those cute glasses in a classroom. That’s too many kinks in one place. My brain can’t handle it right now. We’re still recovering from three gunshots.” 

Peter whipped around, almost knocking over a table with his bag. “You got shot three times in the head? What the fuck, Wade? You promised you’d be more careful.” Peter cringed as soon as the admonishment was out of his mouth. So much for keeping his cover. 

There was dead silence for a long minute, the line moving ahead of them even as they stood still as statues looking at each other. “Why do you sound like… Webs?” 

Peter turned on his heel again, not ready to face having just accidentally outed himself in the middle of Modern Joe. “Don’t know what you’re talking about.” He took three giant steps forward to make up the space in line, very aware of how not social distancing Wade was behind him. 

A masked mouth leaned into his ear, big warm body pressed closed to his back. “I knew you were cute as a button, but I didn’t call you being this burning hot, Spidey.” 

“Do we need to have another discussion about what constitutes sexual harassment or did that part of your brain not heal yet from you getting _shot three times in the head_?” Peter snapped back in a harsh whisper. It was already bad enough that he’d outed himself to Deadpool. The last thing he needed was his favorite baristas to know his secret ident, too. 

He reached the front of the line before Wade could reply and paid for his order, already ready for him at the end of the counter. While he picked it up, he listened to Wade order and then loudly tip the baristas $100 each in apology for causing the disturbance. Peter begrudgingly approved, enough to wait for Wade to catch up before going outside to find a table to get working. He heard Wade take the seat across from him without looking up from the papers he was pulling out to grade. He was halfway through the first when he noticed just how quiet it was. 

“I assumed there would be a lot more pick-up lines than this, Wade. Did one of the bullets get stuck in there?” he asked, not looking up. 

“I gave them up for lent.” 

“It’s August.” 

“You said you didn’t want to hear them anymore.” 

Peter looked up at that and was met by a very stiff Wade, sitting ramrod straight in his metal chair, hands folded tight in his lap, paper cup on the table in front of him, untouched. Peter frowned and set his pen down, leaning his elbows on the table to keep the papers from blowing away in the wind. “I wasn’t serious. I know this is a big deal for us.” He fiddled with his pen, fumbling it between his hands and getting blue pen all over his fingers. “Are you freaking out as much as I am? Is that what the problem is?” 

“I can shoot myself in the head again. I know where to aim to kill memories. I never have to remember what your face looks like.” 

Peter frowned, unhappy with that thought. “Absolutely not. I didn’t mean to let you in on the spider secret,” his whispered the last part with a glance around them, “but I’m not mad you know. I’d been thinking about telling you anyway. I just, you know, probably would have done it somewhere more private.” 

“The offers on the table, baby, just say the word.” 

“The only word I’m saying is no.” He tried to re-focus on the paper he was supposed to be grading, planning to give Wade a little more space to process, but the previous scene was still niggling in the back of his head. He pointed his pen at Wade forcefully. “You need to stop pulling weapons on people not wearing masks. They’re assholes, but you don’t know if one of them is going to try to pull a gun on you right back and potentially hurt a civilian in the process.” He pointed at the plain black mask on his own face. “This is supposed to be about saving lives, not ending them.” 

Wade nodded, but the slow way he did it told Peter he wasn’t entirely listening. Peter sighed to himself and turned back to the paper. He could try again later. "Why the Bea Arthur mask?" he asked instead, picking his pen back up.

"Needed ears for the face mask."

And didn't that make a weird kind of sense? Peter shook his head and got back to work.

Four papers later and one truly atrocious explanation of photosynthesis that misspelled ‘chloroplast’ five different ways, Wade still hadn’t said a word. Peter looked up to find him still staring, cup untouched. “Did I break you?” he asked, winking. 

“You’re just so... pretty.” 

Peter felt his cheeks heat up and had to duck his eyes away to try to stop the blush from happening. “Thanks,” he muttered, setting his pen down to tug down his mask far enough to take a drink of his latte. 

“You really are a fallen angel. I can put a little devil in you if you like.” 

Peter glared. _God damnit_. Wade grinned so wide Rue Mcclanahan stretched right out of sight. 

**Author's Note:**

> I do not consent to my stories being listed on Goodreads or other book platforms.
> 
> If you want writing updates from me, you can follow me on Twitter [@RonsPigwidgeon](https://twitter.com/RonsPigwidgeon), [Tumblr](https://mscaptainwinchester.tumblr.com/), [NewTumbl](https://mscaptainwinchester.newtumbl.com/), or [Pillowfort](https://www.pillowfort.io/MsCaptainWinchester).
> 
> And if you'd like to come yell about Spideypool with me, join the 18+ Discord server I co-mod, [Isn't It Bromantic](https://discord.gg/w6UyAn7)!


End file.
